Millennials have been blamed for so many things.
And rightly so. They’re a generation possessed by destroying everything in their path.
There’s no shortage of essays that have figured out that millennials are responsible for ruining everything. Here’s a list of all of the things that millennials have destroyed so far.
In June, NBCUniversal CEO Steve Burke said, “We wake up someday and the ratings are down 20 percent. If that happens, my prediction would be that millennials had been in a Facebook bubble or a Snapchat bubble and the Olympics have come, and they didn’t know it.”
And because the primetime viewership was down 25 percent for the coveted 18-49 age group compared to the 2012 games in London, fingers are pointed at millennials.
However, Gizmodo suggested that the way people watch TV is so different now that millennials aren’t to blame, but rather NBC must take responsibility for failing to see how most people consume content today.
But more than Ryan Lochte, more than green water and paved over regions of Brazil, Millennials are what ruined the 2016 Olympics.
The diamond industry’s been cutting its prices down due to the fact that fewer millennials are buying diamonds.
Is it because diamonds can come from unethical origins, as The Daily Beast suggests? Or, is it because diamonds are too expensive, and millennials can’t afford them?
We’re a generation in which side-hustles are required just so we can pay our rent. Of course diamonds aren’t our best friend. $20 off an Uber ride discounts already are.
But that explanation might be too obvious. The decline is because millennials hate diamonds and gotta get them gone.
Sales for bars of soap are down among people ages 18 to 24, which means millennials are at it once again, hellbent on destroying yet another outdated industry.
Bar soap leaves a weird residue on your skin, doesn’t work seamlessly with a loofah (millennials love to exfoliate as an extension of constant efforts to clarify their brands) and doesn’t fit the on-the-go lifestyle of a millennial.
Beyond that, millennials just wanted to pick something that baby boomers loved. Something simple and easily forgotten, but will make people go nuts once it’s gone.
Say it with me! “Millennials! Hate! Vacations!”
And so, looking at a nation of people working very hard, millennials thought, “Let’s destroy it.” After meeting in their headquarters in an obscure speakeasy in Brooklyn, millennials decided they hated vacations so much that no one should be able to take them.
Sure, the conditions they’re working under are tough, they earn little pay and aren’t given many vacation days, yet they aren’t interested in taking them; not so they impress their supervisors, but just so they can stop vacations from the inside.
Still confused about Brexit? Well, I bet it makes sense now that you know it was the result of millennials.
While the majority of millennial voters wanted to stay in the EU, of all age groups, millennials had the worst voter turnout.
Millennials wanted to create a sense of mystery (it’s why they’ll never show their full body on their Snap Story) so they lied to say they support Britain then just didn’t vote, when obviously, the wanted to leave all along so they could destroy Britain.
Millennials aren’t lazy; they’re conniving. They’re not opting to freelance due to a lack of available jobs, it’s because they want to put an end to the workforce. No more offices, no more 9-5 for everyone.
They’ll ask for praises and raises, not in order to survive, but in order to shut down the workforce for good. Every millennial just wants to sit at home all day with an HBO Go password and free rent, and they won’t stop until they’ve achieved that reality.
Millennials aren’t getting married. You might guess it’s due to a desire to avoid the expensive costs of marriage, but that’s not it.
It’s because millennials want to destroy every traditional value held by this country. So, even if two people are totally in love and want to get married, they won’t. Because the only thing stronger than their love for each other is their hatred for things Baby Boomers hold in esteem.
Millennials enjoy reading physical copies of books, not because of their support for the publishing industry, lack of interest in e-readers or any of the science that suggests your brain builds a map of information. And because they like books, they’re contributing to de-forestation.
And of course, that’s not it. It’s because they want to kill trees but don’t want to just cut them all down themselves, because, as we’ve already discussed, they don’t want to be in the workforce.
The American Dream
48 percent of millennials think the American Dream is dead. The other 52 percent think they just haven’t officially killed it yet.
This is not because of the horrible financial conditions under which they’ve become adults, it is because they know that in order to take down America, they’re going to need to destroy its dream.
The hangout sitcom
Apparently, millennials have stopped watching a bunch of people sit around and talk about their problems on TV. This is because millennials don’t want anyone to take the night off and have a laugh while hanging out with their favorite television characters.
Millennials want you to listen to their own problems instead. In their quest to do that, they’ve decided to ruin the hangout sitcom. Although the thinkpiece has not yet been written, it is common knowledge that millennials hate Ross Gellar.
Beloved by Baby Boomers and the reason for their existence, millennials figured out that the final way to destroy everything would be to just stop having sex.
So they don’t.
Reports show that sex among millennials is way down compared to previous generations, but those numbers are probably fabricated. No millennial has ever had any kind of sex.